Dear Baby Monkey,

You are in our sights! ❤

I am feeling super nauseated most of the time lately, and not very hungry because of it. Dad and I have had 4 positive home pregnancy tests, and we are awaiting a meeting with a midwife this Thursday. I’m hoping to give birth in our home, baby monkey. Having you hear where I’m comfortable fills me with confidence.

I’ve cried so many times. Tears of joy and also fear. I want to be the best for you, Baby Monkey. I really hope you stick around. I’ve been doing a lot of research on so many things, my mind is exploding. Your whole family is so excited you are coming. We’re all on pins and needles, though, because of our last mishap. But I have a good feeling this time.

I have to tell you, after I got a positive test, I went outside and within 20 minutes there was a rainbow. Baby Monkey, your mama is not a spiritual person, really. I’m not huge on religion or the paranormal. But I sure felt like that rainbow was from you, from us. Even though everyone in our zip code  could see it, it was as if for a moment we were the sun, and not just earth, but all the planets revolved around us, and I knew everything would be OK. I cried in joy. I danced in the rain. My friend told me that the rainbow is God’s promise… and it did feel like a promise. I don’t suddenly feel like there is a god, I just feel like you are promised to me. I know that it could be shattered at any moment. But I just don’t think it will. 🙂 It’s the hormones, you could say, that make me act like a goon and feel these spiritual things that I don’t usually feel. Or, maybe, just maybe, you are our rainbow baby. Mom and dad hope so!! ❤

I saw another rainbow the other day when I went to pick up some ice cream sundaes for your dad and me. I had been having a really terrible day. Mean customers at work, morning sickness, hay fever… but that rainbow… I felt like it was for us again!! And I smiled!! I walked back to the car in the pouring down rain holding two ice creams (which did NOT look the same by the time I got in the car) and a huge smile.

I’m rambling now, lil Monkey. I better go.

With love,

Mama

Hey Squirt

March 5, 2015.

Daddy and I went in for another routine scan. GOOD NEWS! BEST NEWS EVER! Fluid levels in your brain went down…back to normal. Doctor said we didn’t have to come back. Such a relief! The only bad part is, I don’t get to see you again until we meet face to face…but I’m okay with that. 🙂

Oh and more news. You’re breech.  But there’s plenty of time to turn. He’s not worried because I’m not far enough along to worry about giving birth yet.

Fast forward to April 10, 2015. My midwife says you are head down! You have a strong heartbeat, all is perfect. I asked if you could move again, and be breech, she said no. So, I’m just waiting to meet you now!

I have the hospital bag ready, crib is set up, pack and play is good to go..I’m just missing you in my arms! Daddy and I, and your grandparents, are so excited for your arrival.

Love you always.

Until next time,

Mama

Hey Squirt

February 6, 2015.

We got an official diagnosis.

You have what is called isolated ventriculomegaly. What is that, you ask? In the simplest terms, it means that you have excess fluid in one side of your brain. It’s isolated because it’s only one side. It is mild, which is good news considering this diagnosis. It is more common in male fetuses than females. It could be normal by the time you are born. If it isn’t, what does that mean?

That’s where I don’t have all the answers. It could mean absolutely nothing. It could mean you are delayed in reaching your milestones (taking longer for you to learn how to walk, say your ABC’s, etc.) Or, it could be worse. There is, unfortunately, no way to be sure. Doctors don’t even know, research is still being done all the time. It’s not hereditary, and in your case there is no link to other genetic defects or abnormalities.

I am not worried. I will prepare for your arrival the best way I can.

You are kicking me right now, as if to tell me all is well and you understand. I love you, little man, I cannot wait to see you & bring you into this world!

Until next time,

mama

Hey Squirt

It has been a while since I have written. So much has happened, so forgive me if my thoughts seem jumbled.

December 22, we found out you are a boy. I had my suspicions because of a dream I had, but it was confirmed. We are so excited! I’d be lying if I said I wasn’t scared, too…I want to do right by you in so many ways.

That same day, we got some potentially heartbreaking news. We found out that you could be missing your corpus collosum, which is the part of your brain that connects the left and right ventricles. If that is missing, you would be developmentally delayed in reaching your milestones. I wasn’t worried, I knew that no matter the outcome, everything would be fine. I would love you just as much. On top of that, there was excess fluid in the right side of your brain, which is fairly common in boys (in utero), but the doctors wanted to follow up anyway – it wasn’t in the “danger zone” yet, but they wanted to monitor regardless. We had a fetal MRI ordered and a fetal echocardiogram, because with that came the possibility of there being a hole in your heart.

Doctors told us to stay off of Google – after all, Christmas was in three days and this was not a diagnosis. We didn’t listen. We were on Google on the drive home. We cried. We found out everything we could, we read the good stories and the bad. We considered every “what if” scenerio. Termination was not an option though, I had already felt you kick, heard your heartbeat, saw your face. That thought never came to be.

Fast forward about a month (the longest month, let me tell you) and I have my fetal echo. There is no hole in your heart…in fact, you have a beautiful heart. Everything looks great! About a week later, I had the MRI. It was my first, and even though it wasn’t for me, I was still strapped down and couldn’t move. It’s okay, you are worth it! Even more good news. Corpus collosum is in tact. Fluid level is still being monitored but still not in the danger zone. Sigh of relief. I got a call from the doctor, blood tests came back. All positive…no signs of genetic defects. You are just as beautiful as the ultrasound shows (which I knew anyway).

Time is flying. I am about 6.2 months along (26.5 weeks). You are growing like crazy and feeling you move is the most gratifying thing I have ever felt. I am already so in love with you, I cannot wait to finally hold you. We got a pack and play from your grandparents and I had to set it up the same night I got it. Daddy and I are so excited.

I better sign off for now. I love you. Until next time, Raylan.

Infinite xxxxxoooo,

Mama

Dear Baby Monkey,

Your daddy and I are trying to put you back in our sights. ❤ You are definitely in our hearts. We talk about you a lot, how we will raise you, where you will sleep, what you may be like…

Today I found a photographer from Sweden. His name is Niklas Jumlin. He takes pictures of his child and they are just gorgeous, Baby Monkey. I hope I can do you such justice. I am hoping to purchase a full-frame camera that has great performance in low-light situations. Listen to me ramble about photography. I hope you like being my model, Baby Monkey.

I am taking what’s called prenatal vitamins. We are hoping that helps. Plus, we “call the stork” nearly every night. I’m burning at both ends, but it is worth it. You are worth it. ❤ Every second of waiting, every ounce of hope, every shred of worry. So stay focused, Baby Monkey. We’re doing our best on our end.

With love,

Mama

Dear Baby Monkey

It seems you have slipped through my fingers this round. Don’t worry, Daddy and I will try again. I am so sorry you had to endure this, but you won’t remember it next time around. You will be a whole new being. I am still ever so excited to meet you. I hope that you come back healthy and strong this time, and mama promises to be more careful and relax more.

With love,

Mama

Hey Squirt

I forgot to mention this yesterday. On Halloween, we had a lot of trick or treaters. It’s really exciting for me, because where I grew up we never really got any…so handing out candy is fun.  Anyway, being the frugal man that he is, your dad wanted to only give one piece of candy per kid. It makes sense, with obesity and greediness and all. And we didn’t have all the candy in the world. I could tell by these kids reactions that it wasn’t enough. One girl cried. Most kids were okay with it, or at least didn’t say anything to my face. Our last “kids” of the evening were teenagers, probably drunk, and insisted I give them more because “I won’t get any more that night.” I just ignored them.

What I’m trying to get at here is a lesson. Please be kind. People aren’t always going to give you what you want…be nice anyway. Use your manners…please and thank you go a long way. Say yes ma’am, yes sir, and respect your elders. Respect is earned, not given. Smile at strangers. Open doors for people.

These are the things I hope to teach you…that it doesn’t matter how much money you do or don’t have…love is all you need. And I love you, kid.

Infinite xxxooo’s,
Mama

Hey Squirt

I can’t stop thinking about you! We had another appointment last week and I got to hear your heartbeat again. It was a wonderful surprise! I’m also starting to show, some people call it a blump because it’s mostly bloat with a bump. It’s whatever though, I’m excited.

Around Christmastime I will get to find out if you are a boy or a girl. When I say I have no preference, I mean it. The name is picked out either way and I am just elated to finally be pregnant! I just want you healthy and happy, cliche as that is.

Because of your imminent arrival, I did not go on deployment with my ship that left on Friday. I am not sad about it…I’m a little relieved, honestly. Instead, I am transferring to a new command working in admin, which will probably be closer to what I wanted to begin with. So thank you for that, in case I forget to tell you later.

Anyway, i was just checking in. I can’t wait to meet you!

Infinite xxxoooo’s,
Mama

Dear Baby Monkey

Work was hard for me today. I got yelled at by some terrible customer. I seriously wonder what could be so wrong in her life that she must go around making people cry. Then, I thought of you. By now, you know that people can be bullies. You’ve likely experienced it first hand. There is a sort of war on bullying right now. There are a lot of people who think that they can actually make it go away. I don’t buy into that. If you are like your mama and daddy, you are smart with people. You can look at someone and see more than what they are wearing. You see a single mom, exhausted, finally off her shift, with a screaming baby and a six pack of beer in her cart, and you don’t automatically conclude “shitty parent.” (Excuse my language). You see someone in a suit and tie on his cell phone, trying to order coffee and land a sales meeting at the same time. You don’t automatically assume he’s an ass. Maybe you try to figure out the person, maybe you shrug them off and let them be, but you know that there is more to someone than what they are doing in that exact moment you come into contact with them.

I gotta tell you, most people don’t know that. 99% of the time, 99% of people are thinking about themselves. Yep. Even if they are shopping for a birthday present, the self aspect is the money to spend, the giving of the gift, the receipt of a thank you. Many people who seem selfless, like they do everything for other people, they actually do that for themselves because they can’t live with not helping. Every decision, even the ones you and I make, is at least slightly tied to your own desires. You can’t get around that, however, you can be aware of it. I believe that the people aware of that are rarely-to-never bullies. If you know that the mom with the beer and her baby in her cart works 2 jobs and just got dumped by her boyfriend on the same day her mom got cancer, then that beer doesn’t look so bad, and the screaming baby is understandable. But you don’t know those things. She may even just be a bad parent who cares more about booze than parenting, but you don’t know that either, so you choose to help her when she pulls her wallet out and change scatters all over the floor.

Today I was bullied by someone oblivious to the fact that everyone has a story. It was the last 45 minutes of my shift when she came waltzing up to the deli counter to inform me that everything I was doing was wrong. Then when I tried to help her, that was wrong, too. I cried, baby. I don’t know if it’s the hormones, or if I would have cried regardless, but I went into the back kitchen and I sobbed till I coughed, and I coughed until I threw up.

Then, I remembered.

She doesn’t know what she’s doing. She knows nothing about me and is only thinking about her own crappy life. And I thought, I gotta tell my baby this story one day. Because hopefully you will remember this when someone is oblivious to your own feelings. Love you baby monkey.

With love, Mama

Hey squirt

I am so excited to meet you, officially. I’ve only ever heard your heartbeat.Your daddy and I are both so elated. I’ve only had one appointment and he’s been to it, and plans to go to every one. That means more to me than he could ever know. He’s a great  man, your dad, and I hope one day you’ll see that as I do.

As of today, I am 10  weeks and 3 days along. It still doesn’t feel real, because other than being hungrier than usual and sometimes feeling super fatigued, I haven’t had any symptoms. Thank you for that, by the way…for the lack of morning sickness. Keep that going for about 38 more weeks and I think we’ll be pretty good friends.

There is so much I want to tell you. Am I scared? Yes. But I am so excited that that feeling outweighs the fear.

I can’t wait to continue to see you grow. Right now, you’re about the size of a prune, so I haven’t gotten to start showing you off yet! In a few weeks, perhaps, my ‘bump’ as we call it will appear.

Until next time, Squirt.

Infinite xxxxoooo’s,
Mama